Think outside the box...

This is what i keep telling myself...



I have been stuck inside this "box" and can't seem to get out. You know, the whole 4-sided way of life...home, kids, work, & me. And, not necessarily in that order, but the "me" side always seems to come in 4th...a very distant 4th! Not that I should complain...I know there are many in a much stronger or more difficult "box" than mine.



Home...I can't seem to stay on top of the house. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have absolutely NO motivation to keep the house clean. There are clean sheets and towels in a pile on the guest bed that have been there for weeks. (Not that there is any hurry to get the room clean, as it looks as though it will be quite a while before that bed needs to be used.) The kids' playrooms (yes, that would be multiple playrooms) look like a bomb went off...I tried to blame it on the recent tropical storm that rolled through town, but had to remind myself the storm was OUTSIDE and not in my house! Although, you wouldn't know it by looking at my house!



And "Home" is not just about the condition of the house. My poor hubby has been just as neglected as the house. The poor guy has to deal with the stresses of an unstable work environment, bills, lack of funds to pay those bills, late rent checks every month, bills, a basket case for a wife, bills, car issues, and the list goes on. Oh, by the way, did I mention bills??? Anyhoo, in addition to keeping us safe, clothed, fed, and with a roof over our heads, he has to keep up with my ever-changing moods. He is so patient not to press or ask a ton of questions...he just lets me stay in my own little world. And, I know that despite the neglect, he will be there with open arms whenever I reach out to him for any kind of help or release.



Kids...Holy crap, where to begin on that subject! Sean is gonna be 9 in January, and Austin is gonna be 6. BUT...(now you didn't really think I'd get through a post without the "but") It seems as though we have a 20 year old and a 1 year old. Those kids are so much alike but SO completely different at the same time. I don't get it, and believe me I try to understand those two. Austin seems to be maturing at a negative rate, while Sean seems to be maturing double-time. I swear the boy (yes, the youngest) will never grow up. He's gonna be one of those 30-something guys that still lives at home! And Sean scares me with his ability to master anything gaming or computer related. I don't get how 2 kids can be so brilliant (and I do mean BRILLIANT), yet so dumb at the same time. Do I expect too much of the guys? Who the heck knows...But I still maintain they must speak a different language than I do, because when I speak it seems to either go unheard or misunderstood due to language barriers??? I suppose I should take the optimistic outlook and assume I am raising 2 future rocket scientists or perhaps the next "Bill Gates"...



Work...Man, that is an entirely separate blog post in itself. This has most definitely been a very bizarre year. And it is only November! I know I have been lacking in the blogging department, but I will produce something very shortly regarding this 3rd side of my "box".



Me...What the heck is that?? Who the heck am I??? I am still at a total loss. I love my life (most of the time), so it is very hard for me to understand why I am in the mental, emotional, and physical state I am in... I consider myself EXTREMELY lucky to have the life I have...a great husband, a nice house, 2 beautiful kids, a job, and good health...who could ask for anything more, right? Than why do I constantly feel as though I am missing something? I have definitely had my share of the "hard knock life" ( a little Shirley Temple reference for those of you who didn't pick up on it...and not the little drink with a cherry on top!), but I feel as though I have managed to overcome and emerge a stronger woman as a result. Yet, I feel very weak at times...sometimes like a total failure. Perhaps the problem is not with the other 3 sides of this "box"...perhaps the real problem is that I expect way too much of myself??

Once again, I started typing with a purpose and a message...and once again, I find myself completely derailed and at a complete loss. I honestly have no freakin' clue why I started this post. I can say, with all honesty, that I do feel a bit better just getting it out in the open. So, while this was not my most clever or humorous post, I'd like to thank those of you who stuck with it...I guess the brainiacs at AA are right. The first step really is admitting you have a problem!

But (see, there it is yet again!), maybe the reason behind all this can be blamed on menopause or some sort of woman's mid-life crisis? Not that I am going through menopause, but it would be nice to blame the moods on something! Is 36 too young to be pre-menopausal?? I'm not quite 36 yet, but a fast-approaching b-day will change that...and could be causing some sort of mid-life crisis. Do women even have those?

Again, I feel as though I have no right to complain about anything! After all, I have friends facing layoffs, divorce, death, illness, and so many things much worse than what I am dealing with...

And, it goes without saying (for those of you who know me, anyway) that the title of this post is making me crave Taco Bell in a major way!!!