Am I a victim of selective hearing or just plain old being ignored??

Do you ever have those moments where you honestly think you MUST speak a different language than your children?? What other explanation is there for the blank stares and ignorance?? I know, most of you are moms, so you of course understand what I am saying.

I am so totally threatening to make a voice recording of myself saying some very key phrases. This way, when I am being ignored, I won't lose my voice trying to get the kids to listen. I can just set the voice recording somewhere centrally located in the house...hmmm, maybe even get some sort of intercom to broadcast the words throughout the house. You know, it would include things like:

• Stop yelling
• No running
• Quit hitting your brother
• Stop saying butt, poop, fart, wiener, tee-tee, etc. (These would be recorded in individual lines though.)
• Quit playing and eat
• Turn that down
• Stop whining (Gee, I wonder who that one would be targeted at???)
• Stop crying (see above thought...)
• Stop being such a baby (again, targeted at a specific person)
• Brush your teeth
• Get in bed

And so many others, I might have to upgrade the iPod to hold it all! For example, my eldest came home from school today saying, "Hi, I'm Fart Laser." Nice, huh?? Anyway, he said it about 15 times within 2 minutes of being in the house. So, as I sat here saying, "That's nasty, don't say that." and "Stop saying that." and "Seriously, I don't want to hear it anymore.", the child just keeps bouncing around saying it over and over. I must have finally gotten my voice loud enough that he heard me on some level, because he shortened it to, "Hi, I'm F.L.!!" Little s***...I so wanted to smack him!

Then, there are those times the kids will ask you for something and not wait to hear the answer. So, as you are answering the original question, it is asked again. Only this second time it is with much more volume and added emphasis to the "Mom". When I try to explain that I have already answered that very question (usually more than once), I get that blank stare. So, of course I am thinking whatever they have asked for must not be all that important if it has already been forgotten. So, I will double-check to make sure the kid still wants the snack or popsicle or drink or whatever before opening the requested item and handing it over.

Even better, are the times you ask (for example), "What do you want to drink with dinner, lemonade or milk?" Only to be completely ignored as they try to decide what the "reward" is for whoever finishes eating first. BTW, that is another thing I would add to the voice recording, "It's not a race. It doesn't matter who finishes first." Anyway 5 minutes into dinner the whining begins, "Mom, my throat is burning, and I don't have anything to drink." So, I will ask again, "Do you want lemonade or milk?" No answer...(insert the whole crickets chirping sound effect here)... So, a few more minutes pass, "Moooom, I am so thirsty I think I am drying up inside." Oh please!! I thought only girls were supposed to be drama queens.

Anyway, you get the idea, since this goes on almost nightly in probably every household in America. I remember my mother telling people when we were younger that we had "selective hearing". I wonder if it is some sort of birth issue that goes away with age (except in the case of the male population where the problem seems to intensify...LOL). Even as I type this, I am being given the blank stare when I ask my child (for about the 30th time) to quit being nosey and to go away til I am finished.

So before I sign off to go get in his face (where I will be able to see if he is listening or not), I must tell you that I firmly believe this voice recording will become very handy in my classroom, too...